I’ve been keeping myself busy. It first started out of necessity –I was buying a house, getting a new car, dealing with a failing relationship, being a single-mom to a toddler, moving into new house, and getting the house set up to a liveable threshold.
But then that stuff became settled –I bought the house, I moved in, I got it set up to a liveable threshold, the baby and I got our routine back, and the failing relationship hit a dramatic low point.
And then I got busy dealing with the dissolution of the relationship. It ended (for good) the first week of December. The ex had an addiction problem and had gotten cleaned up –went through the Hell of withdrawals and got clean, sort of. He was still taking things like Kratom, alcohol and cigarettes to help. He became a different person after getting clean. He wasn’t nice anymore. He was moody and irritable and emotionally sensitive. I thought I was prepared to help him and handle it, but I wasn’t. I was emotionally stretched too thin myself to provide that level of care to him while dealing with everything in my life, too.
Then, on December 3rd he got drunk and wanted to leave to get more beer. I tried to persuade him to stay because I didn’t want him driving in that condition, but he became so nasty and agitated to get out of the house that I finally told him to leave. After he walked out the door I shouted after him some snarky comment and he thought I had said I was going to cheat on him with someone else. Which is not what I said. So he flies into a jealous rage and proceeds to force his way into my home as an intruder. He calls 911 on me from my living room and tells them he’s got blood pouring down his face and that I beat him up. He did this not because he was truly injured or scared for his safety, he did this because he was in emotional pain thinking I was cheating on him and he wanted to hurt me in the way that would hurt me the most: to try and get me arrested and forcibly taken away from my daughter.
So the police came. And they almost arrested me. Because that’s what they have to do when someone makes a statement like that. But then they found his blood on the door frame where he hit his head. And they took pictures of my hands and couldn’t find any damage that would have typically been present had I punched a 6’4″ man repeatedly in the face. And they saw that he was visibly intoxicated. So the police had me trespass him which meant that after that night he could no longer come on my property ever again. They asked him if he wanted me arrested and he said no. And because of all of this, they didn’t arrest me.
Then, because there was a minor child in the home during this incident, a DCF case was opened and an investigator was sent to my house. He looked a little confused when he showed up at my clean new house in my nice neighborhood with my Mercedes in the garage and feeding my daughter organic chicken with an arugula salad. He did a thorough investigation. He called a friend and a relative to get a reference on me and my parenting. He also had to contact the ex, because the ex could one day date a woman with a child and they have to ensure that he’s not a risk to someone in the future. The investigator called his mother. And the investigator referred him for addiction treatment services. The ex had to do an assessment at the treatment center in order to close the case file. The subsidized fee for a drug test was $10 and the rest of the treatment was highly subsidized as well, but the ex cited cost as his reason for not wanting help. DCF couldn’t force treatment since he was not the baby’s father and not living in the house. Then the DCF investigator had to do the 30 day surprise visit on me. So I had to go through that again.
Then the ex filed a car insurance claim against me. It got denied. He had also sent me text messages and an email but I have not responded to him or spoken a word to him since the 911 incident. Then, the day before Valentine’s Day we see each other at the grocery store. He has the goddamn nerve to follow me around the store and bully me around. Meanwhile my daughter recognizes him and gets thrilled to see him, and she looks at me like, “Mom! Turn around! Look who’s behind us!!” So I have to try and block her view. My service dog was on a silent alert without being given a command –it’s how agitated and nasty he was to me at the store. My dog body-blocked him by standing at the end of his 6 foot leash. The ex had the nerve to stand there and shake his head at me. It’s like he has no idea what he did! He called 911 on me and tried to get me arrested and taken from my daughter for 10 days (there’s no bonding out early on those charges so you have to wait for arraignment) –all because he was a jealous drunk and thought I was cheating on him.
So then all that stuff finally settled down.
So, I decided to focus on me. It had been a long time since that happened. I had been busy dealing with life stuff and the black hole of chaotic drama that is The Ex-Boyfriend From Hell.
I started seeds to plant my garden. I started a diet and have lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks. I’ve even gotten hit on a few times by nice guys. I’m tossing around the idea of having a few small chickens for fresh eggs. Starting an outdoor compost in my backyard. Doing major yard work –which is therapeutic in its own right. I love working my land and clearing out the weeds and bad stuff to make room for the new life and beauty to grow in its place. It’s symbolic.
I’ve got amazing neighbors who help me out and I am really happy in this neighborhood. I worked really hard when I was working and lived like a pauper to have a big savings fund in order to achieve this dream. It’s so nice now.
It’s so nice and calm and peaceful that it makes me edgy. It makes me nervous. It’s hard for me to trust in these idyllic times because I feel like something bad is about to happen. I was living the dream in 2009 when I got attacked and my whole world shattered to pieces. I have crazy anxiety now because things are so good in my life right now. For example, I’ve got weird anxieties to drive anywhere because a tragic car accident would definitely be one way this dream could shatter. Etc etc…
In addition to my fucked up neurotic anxieties and fears, I still have nightmares and flashbacks of what happened in 2009. Dealing with all that drama from the ex put my PTSD in high gear on the front burner again. He activated my fight or flight response and it’s only just now gone down a little. I feel like I’ve been living in survival mode since that first week in December.