For a long time I’ve felt a self-censorship on, frankly, what most people call “bitching.” I feel this way because of my own personal retardedness (there’s really no other way to put it). Here’s the deal:
I signed up to be a single mother. It was my choice. It was a totally planned pregnancy. I knew it would be hard, I knew there would be a lot of shit (literally), and I knew that I would only have myself to truly depend upon. Therefore, I felt like I really didn’t have the right to bitch about anything because I knew what I was getting myself into–dug my own grave–made my bed and now have to lie in it —whatever the hell expression works the best for you. It’s not like I had a partner and was depending on someone –going in this together with someone, and then for whatever reason they split and I suddenly find myself all alone and shouldered with all the responsibility. Those folks, in my mind, have the right to bitch. And bitch loudly. They never signed up to single-hand this shit called child-rearing.
But for me, there are some parts that are still bitchable. Even though it was my choice and I knew I would be the only one doing all the work and shouldering all the responsibility. I just feel like there are some people who would say, “Well, maybe you should have waited until you found a nice guy….” Yeah, but who knows if and when that would ever happen.
And, here’s the thing –if I’m finding bitchable things with doing it single-handedly with 1 kid, what if I wanted to, “second verse, same as the first?” Then I’ve really asked for it, now haven’t I?!
I think it’s easy to bitch about someone else’s work. I think it’s easy to find fault when co-parenting because nothing is ever totally fair. There will always be someone feeling like they’re doing all the work and getting none of the credit, appreciation or acknowledgement. So they bitch to even it up and make a fairer playing field, perhaps. But in my situation, bitching only amounts to complaining about my own work, or, my own laziness. So, in this scenario, I would be bitching to others about myself. Sheesh!
We all know that’s not entirely true. I’m just being dramatic. I wouldn’t actually be bitching about myself to others, but I do censor myself to ensure that even my smallest bitch fest is bitch-worthy. Every (good) parent has been there –sleepless nights (and not just 1 sleepless night), feeling frazzled, not knowing what to do, lack of confidence, feeling like whatever you do might be screwing up your kid, not feeling “mom enough.” For me though, the fact that I knocked myself up on purpose as a solo-parent also means that I feel like I can’t shit the bed and then complain that the sheets are dirty.
I’ve embraced my role as mother. I’m nurturing. I’m typically patient. I have figured out a million thing I never anticipated when “seriously thinking about” artificial insemination and doing the single mom thing. Babies get bored and you need to do fun stuff with them or they will screech 7 centimeters from your face while pulling your hair out from the roots. And when you try to roll over to (finally) sleep they will bite you. Hard. So you have to haul your exhausted ass up and get your goofy on because otherwise you’ll be a bald bitten up deaf exhausted parent.
Speaking of sleep, I’ve got an opportunity to get some. So I’m going to cut this blog entry short!