I am up since 3 am from reading horror stories on the News. A boy raping and murdering his teacher. An 11 year old shooting to death an 8 year old over a puppy. A pedophile figuring out how to undo his monitoring bracelet without the probation officers taking any action which led to him murdering a librarian mother and raping her 10 year old daughter.
It makes me experience flashbacks. Become hyper-vigilant. Wish my daughters had a service canine to escort them everywhere. Personally, I wish all people could have a highly trained canine with them in addition to open-carry of firearms. I think this place would be a lot better off with less violent crimes if everyone standing in line at a 7-11 had a canine and a firearm. I know a dog can be neutralized, but the dog will fight and give its life to protect its pack leader, potentially allowing enough time and distraction for the victim to get away.
I wanted these daughters so much. The first daughter; I spent 8 years being haunted. I would see a child around what age she would have been and suddenly I was lost in old thoughts. Haunted with what could have been’s. It would get worse around the anniversary. I would start catching visions out of the corner of my eye that looked like someone but when I would look again, more intently, the room or corner or hallway or doorway would be empty. The first anniversary was spent taking a fistful of vicodin, sleeping pills and drinking wine. Every year it got better, but being haunted is a living misery. I longed to join her. It didn’t matter how. I just wanted us to be reunited.
When I had The Dream and found her Energy in the farthest reaches of the universe, she told me how it would be possible to bring her back. It’s all come true.
It boggles my mind how a child I’ve mourned, was haunted by, and worked so hard to get back –how I could treat so coldly and cruelly sometimes. I know I am spread pretty thin as a single parent, with my own issues, and not a lot of support. I’ve stopped giving little spanks…the guilt I’d have afterwards was immense. I feel like I am too rough with her sometimes and it’s happening out of nowhere. I just snap. I’ll drag her into her room for a time out and pick her up and throw her on her bed. She’ll be crying and look genuinely scared and hurt. And I feel nothing. I know a big part of it is the ptsd. I’ll get triggered when she clobbers on me aggressively and puts her arms around my neck or is invading my personal space (naturally, as kids do).
I never thought I could hit this child or act this way to a daughter I was so desperate to find again and get back. It’s giving me even more guilt. I’m a horrible person to do this. I’m undeserving of this gift; of this opportunity of having her back. I think about all the horror stories of what can happen in today’s world to little girls and I get terrified something will happen to her because I am not the perfect mother and I have been lashing out at her, my temper sometimes getting the best of me. That she will be taken away from me again in a gruesome way to teach me a lesson.
And I am terrified of turning into my mother; of training my daughter away from me in the same way I was trained away from her.
So, I stopped spanking. And all the research is saying that spanking is not effective, it is destructive, and it’s not appropriate to do when you are angry because it gets out of control. I know this is true because when I did give her a little spank, I know it was too hard. I couldn’t do just a little spank. It was a full on slap to the bottom –hard. And then I would numb out to her cries. I would detach and become unavailable. I would leave her. Sometimes I am so desperate to put her into time out to protect her from me! To get her away from me! So I don’t do any more damage to her while I’m angry.
How could I do this to a child I was so desperate for? Sometimes I forget how little she is.
It’s been a few months since I stopped spanking. Too much guilt and it wasn’t working. I’m modeling behavior I do not want her to do. I even think about how I would feel –modeling this behavior to her –that she then (fast-forward) does to her own children. Is this something how I would want her to parent my grandchildren? Is this how I would want her to deal with them?
I’m at a critical point in developing better parenting skills. I called the Crises Hotline on the back of her insurance card only to discover there had been a computer glitch the day before and both my girls had been removed from their insurance without cause. I wasn’t notified either.
Nothing like throwing your child onto her bed from her bedroom doorway to literally throw her into time out –and realize shit needs to change –I need help, calling the crises hotline and reaching out only to be informed about a computer glitch.
fuck my life sometimes! seriously!
That was Thursday. Friday was spent making more phone calls. Monday I was informed that because they were cancelled –computer glitch or not– they are in the waiting period for open enrollment and their plan will start (new) on the 1st of next month. Today is October 6th. So, in 3 weeks they’ll have their insurance again.
They gave me a government number to call for behavioral services, so I’m going to try calling and seeing where that leads. I know I already feel better knowing that I need baby-free time in order to recharge. I know how I don’t want to parent. It’s just figuring out how to parent appropriately and being consistent with that. Unlike my mother, I am not in denial and unwilling/unable to change. I am uber-aware, and I am doing whatever it takes to stop the violence asap. I’m trying so hard to break this cycle. To fight against my own demons and the foundation of abuse I was raised with that is so ingrained in everything I do. I am trying to operate opposite to what I feel is natural and to my urges. My natural instinct is to beat the shit out of her. Because that is what was done to me. I was hit, punched, kicked, sat on, pushed, been to hospital, lied about bruises and marks on my body etc… But I have never beat the shit out of her and no matter how big and overwhelming that urge is, I will not do that. That is non-negotiable. But what do I do instead? That is where I falter. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right or what works because I was never taught that –that stuff was never modeled for me. So the “lower threshold stuff” like pushing her or dragging her or whatever… I don’t know what to do. I’m really winging it and trying to do my best. I’ve consciously surrounded myself with “higher-class” moms who I think parent better than me so I can be around them and [silently] learn from them.
I am trying. I am trying to be better.
Trying to be better –always feeling like I am not good enough. But that’s a different blog entry for a different time. Going to try and rest now before the girls wake up in an hour.