I am up since 3 am from reading horror stories on the News. A boy raping and murdering his teacher. An 11 year old shooting to death an 8 year old over a puppy. A pedophile figuring out how to undo his monitoring bracelet without the probation officers taking any action which led to him murdering a librarian mother and raping her 10 year old daughter.

It makes me experience flashbacks. Become hyper-vigilant. Wish my daughters had a service canine to escort them everywhere. Personally, I wish all people could have a highly trained canine with them in addition to open-carry of firearms. I think this place would be a lot better off with less violent crimes if everyone standing in line at a 7-11 had a canine and a firearm. I know a dog can be neutralized, but the dog will fight and give its life to protect its pack leader, potentially allowing enough time and distraction for the victim to get away.

I wanted these daughters so much. The first daughter; I spent 8 years being haunted. I would see a child around what age she would have been and suddenly I was lost in old thoughts. Haunted with what could have been’s. It would get worse around the anniversary. I would start catching visions out of the corner of my eye that looked like someone but when I would look again, more intently, the room or corner or hallway or doorway would be empty. The first anniversary was spent taking a fistful of vicodin, sleeping pills and drinking wine. Every year it got better, but being haunted is a living misery. I longed to join her. It didn’t matter how. I just wanted us to be reunited.

When I had The Dream and found her Energy in the farthest reaches of the universe, she told me how it would be possible to bring her back. It’s all come true.

It boggles my mind how a child I’ve mourned, was haunted by, and worked so hard to get back –how I could treat so coldly and cruelly sometimes. I know I am spread pretty thin as a single parent, with my own issues, and not a lot of support. I’ve stopped giving little spanks…the guilt I’d have afterwards was immense. I feel like I am too rough with her sometimes and it’s happening out of nowhere. I just snap. I’ll drag her into her room for a time out and pick her up and throw her on her bed. She’ll be crying and look genuinely scared and hurt. And I feel nothing. I know a big part of it is the ptsd. I’ll get triggered when she clobbers on me aggressively and puts her arms around my neck or is invading my personal space (naturally, as kids do).

I never thought I could hit this child or act this way to a daughter I was so desperate to find again and get back. It’s giving me even more guilt. I’m a horrible person to do this. I’m undeserving of this gift; of this opportunity of having her back. I think about all the horror stories of what can happen in today’s world to little girls and I get terrified something will happen to her because I am not the perfect mother and I have been lashing out at her, my temper sometimes getting the best of me. That she will be taken away from me again in a gruesome way to teach me a lesson.

And I am terrified of turning into my mother; of training my daughter away from me in the same way I was trained away from her.

So, I stopped spanking. And all the research is saying that spanking is not effective, it is destructive, and it’s not appropriate to do when you are angry because it gets out of control. I know this is true because when I did give her a little spank, I know it was too hard. I couldn’t do just a little spank. It was a full on slap to the bottom –hard. And then I would numb out to her cries. I would detach and become unavailable. I would leave her. Sometimes I am so desperate to put her into time out to protect her from me! To get her away from me! So I don’t do any more damage to her while I’m angry.

How could I do this to a child I was so desperate for? Sometimes I forget how little she is.

It’s been a few months since I stopped spanking. Too much guilt and it wasn’t working. I’m modeling behavior I do not want her to do. I even think about how I would feel –modeling this behavior to her –that she then (fast-forward) does to her own children. Is this something how I would want her to parent my grandchildren? Is this how I would want her to deal with them?

I’m at a critical point in developing better parenting skills. I called the Crises Hotline on the back of her insurance card only to discover there had been a computer glitch the day before and both my girls had been removed from their insurance without cause. I wasn’t notified either.

Nothing like throwing your child onto her bed from her bedroom doorway to literally throw her into time out –and realize shit needs to change –I need help, calling the crises hotline and reaching out only to be informed about a computer glitch.

fuck my life sometimes! seriously!

That was Thursday. Friday was spent making more phone calls. Monday I was informed that because they were cancelled –computer glitch or not– they are in the waiting period for open enrollment and their plan will start (new) on the 1st of next month. Today is October 6th. So, in 3 weeks they’ll have their insurance again.

They gave me a government number to call for behavioral services, so I’m going to try calling and seeing where that leads. I know I already feel better knowing that I need baby-free time in order to recharge. I know how I don’t want to parent. It’s just figuring out how to parent appropriately and being consistent with that. Unlike my mother, I am not in denial and unwilling/unable to change. I am uber-aware, and I am doing whatever it takes to stop the violence asap. I’m trying so hard to break this cycle. To fight against my own demons and the foundation of abuse I was raised with that is so ingrained in everything I do. I am trying to operate opposite to what I feel is natural and to my urges. My natural instinct is to beat the shit out of her. Because that is what was done to me. I was hit, punched, kicked, sat on, pushed, been to hospital, lied about bruises and marks on my body etc… But I have never beat the shit out of her and no matter how big and overwhelming that urge is, I will not do that. That is non-negotiable. But what do I do instead? That is where I falter. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right or what works because I was never taught that –that stuff was never modeled for me. So the “lower threshold stuff” like pushing her or dragging her or whatever… I don’t know what to do. I’m really winging it and trying to do my best. I’ve consciously surrounded myself with “higher-class” moms who I think parent better than me so I can be around them and [silently] learn from them.

I am trying. I am trying to be better.

Trying to be better –always feeling like I am not good enough. But that’s a different blog entry for a different time. Going to try and rest now before the girls wake up in an hour.

My fix.


I called him. We skyped. We both apologized. It was easy. Glad I did it.

I miss him even more now. People are supposed to hug and make up…we made up, but now I really need a hug. Every time he wraps me up within his big strong arms and tight embrace I never know if it will be the last time or not. I never know when the next time will be, if at all. This is a place I am constantly homesick for. My home within his embrace.

I hope there’s a next time.

I relented to our relentless love

Love always wins. It always finds a way.



Right now I admit I am having a hard time. My threshold for being without him is wearing thin. I am aching to contact him and work everything out. There’s no reason for us to be angry at each other. I know we both regret treating each other this way. We are both stressed. I snap at my toddler when I’m stressed and he snaps at me when he’s stressed. I guess we both have this bad habit in common. I know I am actively working on my bad habit and trying not to have that inconsistency. I wonder if he tries to do the same with me, but just like how my toddler does to me, I push and push and drive him crazy to his breaking point. I was having a wretched couple of days parenting and dealing with life stuff like the insurance getting cancelled for no reason. And then I had drunk texted him a bunch of stuff that, you know, never sounds as good sober as it does inebriated. And he is stressed at work. Big time. And we pushed each other’s buttons and said all the stuff we both shouldn’t have said.

He’s stressed and I should have just left him alone. I should have just given him space.

And, for my bad days —


It’s really hard right now. I’m struggling with the urge to just book a ticket and fly up there.

I made it 3 days before the withdrawals started making this separation unbearable. The anger has worn off and now I just miss my friend and lover. I miss him. Missing him hurts more than the hurtful things he said to me.

Ordeal or deal?


Currently my biggest handicap and hardship with managing this hellish 3 year old tantrum stage is that I do not have an ally. As a single parent, this is a huge ordeal that I am having to deal with. In a two parent household, there are limitless scenarios where one parent has the other’s back in terms of guiding the child to respect or comply with what the parent says. It’s so much more than having someone to lean on. It’s me not having an ally. There is a crucial difference.

When we were visiting Chance in Pittsburgh there was a really great example of this. We were at Target and I had run inside for something. Knowing the toddler was hungry, I grabbed a mini pizza and handed it off, and then ran back inside. After I bought whatever I needed and came back out there was a tension between Chance and the toddler. Chance was cold and distant to me, but to his credit he confessed the situation after only minimal inquiry on my behalf. He was frustrated that the toddler was going to waste the pizza and she wasn’t eating it. So I went to her side of the car and told her to eat the pizza and to listen to Chance. She was yelling at him and he was saying it was fine for her to shout at him at which point I interrupted and quite sternly said, “He is your father and you DO NOT shout at your father. Ever!” Her disposition immediately changed for the better. She apologized. She started eating her pizza. The issue was resolved at a lower-level before it could escalate because I had his back.

Rocks and Pebbles…


My feet have been bleeding walking along this broken path; trying to pave it all up and patch it up again. Things have been actually very good between Chance and I since May. We’ve been “better than ever” in everything –communication, resolving disputes, working together, the kids, sex, etc… Things have been perfect for me. It was a life I could live happily even though we were apart.

But it ended yesterday. I’ve been standing up to the bully inside him, and just like every cliche bully, they do not like it when their [emotional] punching bags resist. He started going off on me and with illogical irrational claims so I hung up on him. When i felt he had calmed down I called back and was met with his voicemail. Right then I knew how it will all go down. I wouldn’t receive my good morning text and he would “run away” and completely withdraw. It’s happening a thousand times before like this. I’m the one who is having to fix the situation and ameliorate it. I left a couple voicemails and texts until he responded as I knew he would. He told me to fuck off and not text him anymore. And this time, unlike the other times where I would be heartbroken and devastated and agonizing…… this time I simply responded with, “As you wish.”

And it’s true. I feel no urgency to repair a relationship that he does not want.

I feel no words welling up in me frantically spilling over into a 20 page letter to him.

I do not feel compelled to initiate the repair.

I actually feel very good right now and I think this space will do each of us some good to be apart from each other. He has been admitting to me that he has been falling in love with me again –he has started to feel that possessiveness and he even said that he wanted me. I know these things scare him. It’s why he pushed me away so completely right now. I disagree with how he is handling all of this and it reeks of emotional immaturity. But if he had any emotional maturity at all this entire situation would have been handled differently from his perspective.

Also, I think I have been feeling like he needs to walk alone during this time where he can process his divorce and follow that through without me. Otherwise he would probably grow even more resentful towards me. So I let him push me away. I know he needs his space from me. And I need my space from his toxic ways he’s been treating me. I’ve reached a point where I have confronted his grudges and he is unwilling to be open minded or forgiving. So the issues are no longer mine or anything I can fix. These are his issues and he takes comfort in staying wrapped up tightly bound within their constraints. I can allow him to close off our communication without me crumbling to pieces. It’s actually feeling refreshing. I miss my friend. I miss my lover. But I do not miss being treated like shit. I don’t miss walking on eggshells.

Do I wish he’d show up at my door with a fistful of flowers? Of course. Because I am a hopeless romantic. Do I hope that he calls me and apologizes? Of course, because deeply at the heart of everything we are friends, without all the complexities of the drama clouding it.

I have finally gotten a handle on the situation and I can see it for what’s truly going on and separate out his baseless accusations for the truth. He wants to blame me for everything and he takes no personal responsibility for anything. He wants to blame me for everything while holding his mother and his soon-to-be-ex wife on a pedestal where they can do no wrong. He spoke hypocritically to blame me for things they are also doing but he is not seeing or judging them in the way he holds it against me. He is also taking things I said out of context and happily using it as ammunition against me to justify his exile from me life. He seems to think I am against him. That I think he will fail with his company. That I do not have any faith in him and I do not support him –when everything I say and do so clearly indicates the opposite! I am doing my best to help his company and working for him for free. I’m doing as much as I can to literally work to help him and his company in any way I can. Also, I told him the reason I don’t think he will be successful is because every time he stands against me, the Universe will not reward it. I feel the Universe has given us a second chance and the current of energy so clearly flow us together that every time he fights this natural current the Universe will punish him. This means that whatever success he does attain will be a lesser amount than what he could attain if he accepted our destiny. I know it sounds melodramatic, but this is what I am feeling. He hears it as I am against him and I don’t believe in him. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. I believe in him so completely that I want him regardless of whether he is successful with this company or not, because I recognize his true success is Him, not whatever company he happens to be affiliated with at the moment. I believe in him and love him. But when he shuns what the Universe is trying to do, these actions also are having consequences and he didn’t like hearing that.

He also didn’t like hearing that I was not accepting his parenting advice completely without question. There are parts of his advice that did resonate with me and I will integrate into my parenting. But he thinks that what happened to him will work for everyone. He tells me about his childhood and to just ignore my toddler when she is having a tantrum. I tell him that I can’t do this in every case and I can usually handle it, but there are times when I just snap and it creates an inconsistency in me. So I heard him, I listened to him –but what I heard when he retold about his childhood was that his mom had alone time at work, his live-in grandmother had alone time because he and his brothers would be out all day playing. His father was absent so he had plenty of time for himself. And I am with them every day all day. It’s rare for me to get completely baby-free time and what I heard was that maybe if I had some consistent time for myself, even once a week, it might help me balance and manage being a full-time parent the rest of the time. Because I have a good handle on being a single parent. So I’ve started that as of today. Grandma is taking both the toddler and the baby for a few hours. I already feel so much better! I absolutely love my children and would love more kids, but I need some time for myself to recharge. Not a lot. Some parents need a lot of space. For me, I am able to manage on a few hours per week. But yes, I think that will definitely help more than just doing a broad spectrum ignoring. There are many scenarios where “planned ignoring” of a 3 year old tantrum is an ideal solution, but there are also many times where it is not, and having some time to myself during the week will allow me the emotional resources to more effectively meet those needs. And for Chance, I warned him, too, that he has an issue with differentiating between a planned ignoring to the point where it becomes an abandonment/ silent treatment to the other person and also allows him an excuse of running away. It’s like a justified way for him to run away and not deal with what’s happening in a healthy constructive way. Of course he doesn’t like hearing this and he gets insulted and offensive when I say it. Anyway, I feel really good today. I’m having some baby-free time all for myself! I feel stable with Chance’s tantrum and running away behavior and I recognize that the root issue is not me. It’s like, even his grudges against me –I’m like, “That’s it??? That’s all you got?? Man, you’re really grasping for straws there brother!” If he wanted to be with me, all those things could easily be resolved and we could move forward. But he won’t He refuses to even though he is falling in love with me. He’s got some deep issues. His issues. Not mine. I’m no saint and I’ve taken personal responsibility –even for the myopic grudges he has against me. I tell him I’m not a home wrecker for there was no home to wreck. He wasn’t happily married or else he wouldn’t have had the 4.5 year affair with me. It wasn’t a one time mistake. His wife treated his mom like shit numerous times yet she can do no wrong in his eyes and for me it’s a life sentence. All these things he is unwilling to take personal responsibility for and it’s easier to just blame me for everything.

It will take him a long journey to realize some very important things. But it is a journey that he needs to walk alone and on his own time frame. I feel the frustration a college  math professor might feel with a child struggling to do simple arithmetic. The answers are so clear to me, but in life, you can’t make someone learn. They have to make the connections themselves. Some people only need to be shown once or twice before they have that “Aha!” moment of learning, some need more time. Chance happens to be extremely smart, but he is lacking in emotional intelligence. To say it another way, he is an arrogant bastard!

To put it a simpler way, there is nothing I wouldn’t do to be with him. But at this point I am powerless. It’s up to him to move us out of the current situation. And I am at peace with it because I know the onus is on him this time. I have done everything I could and then some to make it happen. And it started to. He was falling in love, loving me more deeply, becoming possessive and wanting me. And all of this gave him cold feet. At this point I know the potential. I know everything I have been feeling has been true. I’m not some crazy delusional stalker. Everything The Dream said came true. And now it’s up to him. So I will fuck off. I will not send any more text messages. So be it if my dreams are the only place where I can hold him tight. I can live in my dreams; where we are together and everything is as it should be –as it could be, without all his ancient obsolete archaic grudges. At least in my dreams we live together and our lives together and love flourish. In my dreams. We are living the life together. I’ve been sleep walking for so long to carry these dreams into the waking world. Sleep walking in this world trying to live the reality of my dreams. I’ve been wandering all these years. I was holding back for so many years. Wherever life takes me, in my dreams he and I will always be living, loving, giving each other shit, bantering jovially, wrapping our arms around each other, having conversations over tea deep into the night….

Chicken Treat


My toddler has seen the decorations in the stores and is very much aware that Halloween is coming! We were talking about it the other night and she kept mentioning chickens, for whatever reason. I couldn’t figure it out. So, finally, I ask her, “What’s up with the chickens?”

Toddler: The chickens get you candy

Me: (thoroughly confused at this point)

Toddler: Mom, you walk up to the doors and say, “Chicken Treat” and then you get candy!

Me: OOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!! You mean Trick ‘r Treat!!!!!!!

Toddler: No mom, it’s Chicken Treat. You not going to get any candy.



The toddler and I were at Wal Mart and as we were leaving a cop came cruising into the parking lot pretty fast and the officer jumped out and ran inside. I was commenting on it saying someone got busted and they’re going to jail!

Toddler: What’s jail?

Me: It’s a place people go when they’re naughty.

Toddler: They going to jail?

Me: Anytime a cop pulls into a place that fast, someone is definitely going to jail!!!

Toddler: What’s jail?

Me: You know when kids are bad, they go into time out? Well, when adults are bad, they go into time out, too. Grown up time out is called jail!