A Metallic Taste in my Mouth…

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Chance skyped me tonight. I did most of the talking, mainly because I’ve finally realized that he is a pretty negative guy. Most everything he says is negative. At least when I control the conversation, I can guide it to remain positive or neutral. Every time his comments began to slip into his downward spiral of negativity I switched topics. Eventually as we were about to hang up and saying our goodbyes I had to let him talk and he mentioned some more negative shit about how Pittsburgh isn’t Silicon Valley and people in Pittsburgh only work 9-5 and complain about how they want a life/work balance. So I bit my tongue. Metallic taste.
Yeah, you fucking asshole, that’s because most people love and want to be with their partners and kids and although work is important to them, it’s not their whole life. Not everyone wants and loves being a fucking self-proclaimed robot where you go to work until 7pm and then gym for 3 hours and then wake up and do it all over again. Most people want to balance their family/personal life with their job because they love their personal life. And it’s not because you’re trying to do this start-up company and can’t have a family life, because many entrepreneurs are able to do much more work than you and have a great family life. It’s because you don’t care about it and if you don’t care about something or something isn’t important to you, then you lack the empathy and ability to understand why it’s important at all!!! It does not compute to you! You self-proclaimed robot!

But I bit my tongue and said none of this except a hasty goodbye.

None of this is real…

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None of this is real.

The bad and the good. The mundane and the exciting.

None of it is real.

Maybe I’ll find it again. This world is still better than the real one because I have my children.

Your biggest regret on your deathbed can become your next life transition.

A bed would have been nicer.

Instead it was swamp and bugs and dark and violent.

Poison…

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They say that people could develop a tolerance to poison –even the most lethal kind. It required daily miniscule doses. Once tolerance was established to that dose, it would be increased a fraction until tolerance was yet again established. Eventually, a person would have enough tolerance established if someone attempted to kill them with a full lethal dose.

What they don’t tell you is that during the process, every time the dose would increase, even that miniscule fraction amount –it would feel like death. Their body rejecting it, chills, aches so intense it left them breathless and writhing on the floor in agony. The poison would not kill them but it would take them to the brink of death each time. Depending on the poison, there could be dozens upon dozens of these resistance-building episodes in order to facilitate immunity to the poison.

This is what having Chance in my life is like. I feel like I’ve earned my full immunity by going through Hell and back countless times. I may look the same on the outside but on the inside I’ve changed. It’s a type of living Hell.

I feel free now. I have no chains around me. I have no consequences. I can do what I want.

I don’t have anything to lose.

I am immune to him.

Almost.

But there is still caution that needs to be taken, just like with any lethal poison. Even the most resistant can suffer a complication. Even the immunized can still get sick and die. There is no such thing as full immunity or complete immunity.

Just as the fire loves its arsonist, because the arsonist allows the fire to become fully alive, so too does the poison love its host.

I am also his poison. I am also his weakness and his strength. We are each others addiction. And like two addicts huddled together, both at their breaking point and desperate to quit, desperate for rehabilitation, he positions an impromptu cold turkey approach. Of course, this method does not go over too kindly with her. So they put together a plan for the withdrawal phase after a few healthy threats from both sides. A slow and steady titration out of each others’ lives with, of course, a beautiful final binge before the last farewell.

Just a Coincidence….

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I see you softening. Towards me. You don’t know how to respond, clearly, but I see the beginnings of a softening and a wanting to respond to me. At the same time I am hardening towards you. For all you’ve done to me. For all you have not done. For all you can never take back. I am hardening. Even though your softening is so sweet. The sweetness like a baby’s sigh.

Most likely just a coincidence. That the girls and I will be in proximity any day now. It’s just the excitement before the arrival. It is a temporary sweetness. I’ll savor it just the same. And I’ll stay resolute.

I spun poetry for you tonight. I blurted it out in rhythm. I entranced you.

Even though I know you are undeserving. Even though I know you are not wanting.

I do what I want.

It’s a part of my freedom. I do it for myself.

I See Your Silent Treatment and Raise You an Off-The-Grid.

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Chance and I spent a week not talking to each other because he was a dick and I wasn’t going to put up with it. During our silent treatment/avoiding each other he Skyped the girls twice. He did it rudely and disrespectfully, though. He bypassed me. He never contacted me to arrange or coordinate a time that was convenient for me to Skype. He would just call and I would put the girls on. He never said hello or thanked me. I never hopped on the call or said anything to him. I got pretty ticked off about this and realized I had to force him to be a decent human being about things. So I signed off of Skype on my mobile, my laptop and my tablet. For 3 or 4 days. Finally after almost a week he calls me on the phone. (took him long enough!) He wanted to know if everything was ok because he hadn’t seen me on Skype in a few days.

No, everything is not ok. We have issues that need to be dealt with. So I voiced everything and confronted him about his dick-hole-ness attitude to me. He tried to twist it around and blame me but I disallowed it. He had all the excuses, like usual, about how he had been tired. Yeah…sure, that may explain your behavior but it does not excuse it. I’m not your mom so don’t expect me to enable or defend your behavior. Especially now. Especially now that you adamantly do not want me.

You know the feeling of taking a big stinky soft poop that doesn’t wipe away well? Imagine you didn’t do a good job wiping and it’s really hot outside. And you’re wearing jeans. And now that you’re far from the bathroom you have to quell the urge to wipe and clean yourself. You can feel it itch and burn a bit. You can feel the stink.

Sometimes that’s how it feels to deal with Chance.

On the positive side, since he’s called and we’ve had an opportunity to resolve it and move forward, he has been on his best behavior. He’ll be coming to my grandmother’s house in Maryland to help with the estate sale and getting the house ready to rent or sell. This means taking wallpaper off the walls. It’s a hellish tedious grueling task and it’s apropos and nice of him to volunteer to help. It’s not complete altruism though. He gets more time with the girls this way.

So things are back to being amicable and good. Until his next tantrum. But unlike the “old me” I feel so much better during his tantrums now. I’m not taking it personally. The “old me” would have still texted him and sent pics of the girls and kept things going; tried to ameliorate the situation by doing all the work until his tantrum was over. I would have been the one to concede and picked up the phone to resolve everything. I would have obsessed. I would have written a lengthy emotional email.

This time I stayed off the grid. I kept quiet. I honestly didn’t think about him most of the time. I’m not planning to ever write him another lengthy emotional email (due to the way he responded to the 20 page letter I did write him. His response was hateful, cruel and inhumane. So, no more emails like that for him!) I was even planning on traveling to Maryland for the entirety of our trip –unless he called and we resolved things and only if he did this then I would resume our original plan to have him take me and the girls to Pittsburgh for a week while we are on vacation. (Original plan is to spend a week in Maryland and then he drives down and collects us to spend a week in Pittsburgh, and then he drives us back.) So, I felt completely in control of my emotions. I wasn’t getting upset or taking it personally that he was mad and having (yet another selfish) tantrum. If he doesn’t want to be nice then he can stay the fuck away. I don’t need that shit. I’m not his wife. I’m not even his girlfriend. I have no obligation to put up with his bullshit. If he wants to enjoy his relationship with the girls, I will not prohibit this ever. But he needs to respect me in order for me to play nice back. He can’t have his tantrum and eat his cake.

I feel really good about myself and how I handled this situation. Basically I did the opposite of what I would have done! Instead of staying online on Skype and trying to call him, I completely logged off. Instead of emailing and texting, I kept silent. I was even ready to forgo seeing him with the girls. Honestly, I didn’t think he’d reach out to me prior to departing to Maryland. Maybe I don’t know jack shit about him (one of the things he yelled at me when he was being a dick). So, in a way I was stunned when I saw his name come up on my caller ID. It was a happy surprise when I straight away confronted him during this call and he handled it remarkably well. I refused to allow him to blame me.

I can’t stress my joy enough and how proud I am of myself. I know I wrote redundantly in this blog entry, but for good reason. I got so used to being treated like shit by him that I started to think this was ok. Not only that, I started to think this is what I deserved. But even worse, I started to believe that this is what I wanted.

Healthy Ever After….

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I’m in the process of truly moving on from Chance. He has such a long way to go emotionally…and if I stick around he will never not resent me. He does not want me. So, I will move on and in a couple years he will be ready but I’ll have moved on. Our timing in this life is shit. Just bad timing. The way he treats me, the way he judges me, the way he is such a dick to me — I’ve been thinking a long time about how to answer my daughters when they eventually ask about why Chance and I didn’t work out. My answer is, “If he’d treated me right, I’d still be with him.” And that is exactly why I am moving on. It’s not about what he wants or what he needs anymore. It’s about me and what I want and need. I’ve had relationships where I’ve been treated insanely awesome in every facet and capacity! I was willing to be with Chance even though he treated me with the most minimal standards, and then frequently treating me less. I was willing to compromise on that and settle for way less than common decency and common respect. It would be one thing if I never knew from a good relationship, but I’ve had truly great men in my life and I’ve had incredible relationships. It is important for me to be treated right, not only for myself, but as a bigger example to my daughters. I hope to set the example that, although it’s hard and extremely painful, we have the courage and strength to walk away from a relationship that no longer serves us. I had tried my hardest, I had been patient and forgiving and devoted. I had given all the chances I could give. At some point I realized that the issue is not me. It’s him. No matter how many times he twists it around to blame me, whether for something I did recently or something I did 15 years ago –those are his issues, his handicaps, not mine. True love is about forgiveness and seeing the best in the other person. Although Chance loves me, it is not true love. The example I want to set for my daughters is to recognize the difference between love and true love. I want to show them that it is possible to move on and feel good about it. I want to show them that it is possible to have a “healthy ever after” instead of a happily ever after. No matter how much I fought to make it work, no matter how deep I dug my heels in to stay committed and devoted during the most painful times, I have been unable to give my daughters the cliche fairytale ending. But it’s ok. I can still set a great example for them. I can give them the healthy ever after. This is the modern fairytale ending. This is how the fairytale between Chance and I ends.

Healthy ever after means a strong working relationship with Chance for the girls. The girls should have the best possible relationship with him, and I will never get in the way of that. I will always encourage them to bond and to have as great a relationship as possible.

Healthy ever after means that I come out stronger and better because of what I’ve been through. It didn’t work out the way I wanted, but that’s ok. I shouldn’t have to settle and compromise on being treated well in order to be with the man I love. I deserve to have a love that is reciprocated. I deserve a lot of things that I was willing to go without.

Healthy ever after means that I can find a man who will be a great partner to me and who is a true family man. It means finding a partner who is enthusiastic, willing and capable of stepping up to be an awesome daddy. The girls have a father now, but they deserve a daddy.

Healthy ever after means we are all amicable and friendly, and there is love. We are able to work together when we need to, we are able to problem solve when we need to, and all in the best interests of the girls.

No Drive…

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In most animals, it is nature to have some sort of prey drive. If something runs, it creates this overwhelming urgency to chase after it. Typically this is most pronounced in males. In the relationship and dating rituals, when someone runs away, typically it is inspiring the other person to chase after them in any number of ways. Physical, emotional, manipulative (guilt, threats, etc…) and sometimes it is a good thing to chase. It means there is a need –a passion, and it is a very healthy natural thing.

For the past month Chance has been texting me a good morning text every day and skyping me for at least an hour every evening. I told him he doesn’t owe me anything and he’s not obligated to me. I told him that I’m ok. Genuinely. I don’t need him to be there for me in that way. I’m ok and I’ve made my peace with him not wanting me. But he persisted with the morning text messages, being nice and texting throughout the day, and skyping several times with a big call in the evenings. At one point I asked him why he was doing all of this and he said, “Coz I want to.” To me, if there was any confusion about his actions, this clarified it succinctly because he was not doing these things to please me, or because I wanted them. He was doing it because he wanted to. Which, conversely, also meant that when he didn’t want to anymore, these niceties would cease. Most likely abruptly, and knowing him, as a punishment in a passive-mostly-aggressive way for him getting mad at me for some stupid reason and instead of working through it like a mature emotionally intelligent adult, he would just withdraw, abandon, and ignore.

So, this happened exactly the way I thought it would. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and sure enough, a couple days ago, it did. He returned from his hiking trip in the most negative state about me. He had finally confided in his long-time friend about our relationship and 2 daughters, and his friend was very distrustful and negative about me and my motives. He also forewarned that things would get much worse between us. Unfortunately, Chance is in a very mentally weak and vulnerable state and these words started to marinate rapidly in the back of his mind. He was aggressive towards me on the phone in our conversation that evening numerous times and eventually I’d had enough. The last straw was when he was telling me that India’s school system could learn a thing or two from the USA’s –and I said that was one of the first times I’ve heard him say anything nice about the USA. Chance is typically always talking shit about America, yet he’s living here and got his citizenship. I can’t honestly remember anything good he’s said about the USA until a few nights ago when India could emulate a thing or two from our school system. Anyway, Chance got hysterical when I said this and yelled at me, “You don’t know jack shit about me!” This was the last outburst and dickishness I could take from him during our conversation so I ended the call and hung up. However, we’d agreed not to go to bed pissed at each other because this type of thing is important to me. So I called back and tried to hold him accountable to this. He was tired and pissed even more, gave an apology just to get me off the phone. So we hung up. The next morning he sent an obligatory good morning text. Which is weird since he is supposedly doing it because he wants to. He has no obligation to me. So I reminded him of this in my own way. I sent him this in response to his, “Good morning.”

good morningI haven’t heard back from him since! Ha!

Even better, I have absolutely ZERO urge to chase after him. The old me would have called him up and tried to ameliorate the situation and smooth things over. I would have minimized his part, I would have been overly understanding and offered him excuses for his behavior –you were tired, you’re under a lot of stress, the honesty with your friend was hard on you, etc… but you know what? Not one shit was given that day or the days following. If he wants to pout, sulk, be passive aggressive, give me the silent treatment –you know what I have to say about that?  GOOD RIDDANCE!!!! I don’t need his tantrum or to cater to his emotional ups and downs when he does not cater to any of my needs ever!!!! He doesn’t want to talk to me? I’m better off! Genuinely better off. Like, truly happy he’s keeping that bullshit away from me. Tempted to almost write him a Thank You note. ;)

I have a ticket to take the girls to Maryland in the near future and Chance and I had previously planned that he would drive down and take us to Pittsburgh for a week during our upcoming 2 week trip. However, now that he’s not talking to me I’m planning on going to Maryland and staying there the ENTIRE time, unless he calls. I’m not going to chase after him. I’m not going to be pro-active and coordinate the trip. If he wants to see the girls then he needs to call and arrange it. He has my itinerary. He knows where I’ll be. I have ZERO drive to chase after Chance and ensure that he’s ok, and I do everything to repair the relationship while he sits back and throws tantrums, acts like a brat, lashes out at me and is a general dick whenever he wants to be. Fuck that pattern. Besides, I’m still pissed about February. He doesn’t want me to bring it up anymore because he has to apologize every time I bring it up, yet he brings up shit about me from 15 years ago that isn’t even true and uses it against me on a whim to complement whatever negative judgment he has about me. He’s always putting me on the defensive; always being offensive and I don’t need to put up with it anymore.

I’m sick and tired of his negativity. I’m sick and tired of walking on eggshells and after every one of his outbursts where he’s been a dick I’m always the one who calls or texts or emails and resolves it and ameliorates the situation. I’m just done with his bullshit! I’m done with his old outdated obsolete unfair grudges and judgments of me.

Besides, I’m starting to remember, and be reminded, of my worth. I’m getting genuine compliments. Genuine interest. Genuine care. Genuine concern. Genuine friendship. Genuine communication. I’m starting to be chased in that really seductive way of courtship. I deserve to be chased. I WANT to be chased. I NEED to be chased after. AND I LOVE IT.