Friend: How did the trip with Chance go?
Me:The trip went really well! We had a great time together. He vowed that he’s not going anywhere and he loves me and the girls, but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. He wants to stay in our lives, but not move forward together as a family.
Friend: But how did it make you feel?
Me: Peaceful. It’s kind of like this, when you have a kid who says they don’t like spinach but the kid never even tried it, so how do they know they don’t like it! Same thing with Chance. He had tried. But it still wasn’t for him. So I’m at peace now. Before I was really fighting for it to work and holding on, but once he gave it an honest genuine attempt and it still wasn’t for him, now I’m at peace with it and can move on.
Friend: You’re still friends and he’s still going to see the girls?
Me: Definitely. It’s like this, if I called him up today and said I needed him, he would be here. Out of love, guilt, obligation and duty….but not because he *wanted* to. He doesn’t want to be with me. But he loves me and isn’t going anywhere and wants to be in our lives.
Friend: Wow, that’s deep. I’m speechless.
It’s true, too. I feel immense peacefulness. Chance and I are getting along better than we have in ages. I feel, of course, something like the aftermath of grief. It’s good to be out of the dark and into the light. I feel lighter and more peaceful. The trip did go really well. I offered to do some free sales consulting for his start-up company to start inching my way back into the working world and getting some recent experience for my resume. I met his partner, one of the other co-founders. Chance told Paul, “Hey, this is going to come as a shock, but I have a daughter.” Although Paul was shocked, it was not a big deal and I think that was a huge relief to Chance. It’s kinda what I’ve been telling him all along anyway, so my inner monologue was all like, “Told ya so!!!” It’s a huge step for Chance to publicly claim that he has a daughter. I’m proud of him.
Chance is the father, but he’s not a daddy. There is a nuance there that is very important. It’s how I’m raising my daughters. My eldest understands that she doesn’t have a daddy. Chance is her father.
Chance and I began this chapter of our lives in 2011 as a Donor situation. We had contracts. But then he began an affair with me. This brought confusion. Our original arrangement evolved into a love affair. It was during this time that our eldest daughter began to see him as a father and talk about him in that way openly. It’s one of the reasons Chance and I tried to move forward together as a family. But it just isn’t for him. And that’s ok. I’m genuinely *finally* ok with it.
I am really happy I did this trip to Pittsburgh. Best decision. Definitely gave us both an opportunity to talk openly and humanely with each other. The additional clarity, insights, peacefulness and more are because of this trip. It resolved ALL my withdrawals and I feel good. Really good. And Chance and I are getting along so good again now that the tension is gone from me pressuring him and his guilt and resistance at not wanting to be with me. We were up until 1am skyping last night. Our talks are deeper and more heart felt, an older more mature love, without the angsty romance stuff. He’s begun apologizing and feeling remorseful for his behavior, and admitting to panicking in February when our second daughter was born. So things are getting resolved. All the loose emotional ends are getting tied up. I’m really feeling the energy flowing now so this is the right direction. I was scared to get to this place because it meant failure –I had fought so hard and I believed in holding on and staying committed. I realize now that I needed to learn another lesson. The grace of knowing when to let go.
I feel like this is the healthiest situation for everyone. He is still a part of our lives and isn’t a stranger, his role is defined, and there is space for someone else to be a daddy (to get that honor and title) if I’m with someone and they’re stepping up and doing the daily grind and filling those shoes. At this point I’m taking a little bit of space for myself. No agenda. Focusing on trying to keep edging my way back into the working world. I networked on my flights and both networking contacts have paid off by putting me in direct touch with the hiring manager with their personal reference. I was lucky enough to sit next to this awesome and kind guy who was flying to New York to ring the bell as his company just went IPO. It was my baby’s first flight so I was happy he was a part of her maiden voyage. He’s a VP and we spoke about some opportunities and I followed up after I got to Pittsburgh. By the time I got home he wanted me to forward my resume! On my flight home from Pittsburgh I sat next to a guy who put me in touch with an opportunity for a straight commission job that I can do from home and work a super flexible schedule. It’s honestly a job that sounds so flexible I could probably do it as a second job and work weekends and evenings without it eating up too much family time –which will always remain my priority. I’m feeling that fire again.
I’m starting to feel ok again.