In most animals, it is nature to have some sort of prey drive. If something runs, it creates this overwhelming urgency to chase after it. Typically this is most pronounced in males. In the relationship and dating rituals, when someone runs away, typically it is inspiring the other person to chase after them in any number of ways. Physical, emotional, manipulative (guilt, threats, etc…) and sometimes it is a good thing to chase. It means there is a need –a passion, and it is a very healthy natural thing.
For the past month Chance has been texting me a good morning text every day and skyping me for at least an hour every evening. I told him he doesn’t owe me anything and he’s not obligated to me. I told him that I’m ok. Genuinely. I don’t need him to be there for me in that way. I’m ok and I’ve made my peace with him not wanting me. But he persisted with the morning text messages, being nice and texting throughout the day, and skyping several times with a big call in the evenings. At one point I asked him why he was doing all of this and he said, “Coz I want to.” To me, if there was any confusion about his actions, this clarified it succinctly because he was not doing these things to please me, or because I wanted them. He was doing it because he wanted to. Which, conversely, also meant that when he didn’t want to anymore, these niceties would cease. Most likely abruptly, and knowing him, as a punishment in a passive-mostly-aggressive way for him getting mad at me for some stupid reason and instead of working through it like a mature emotionally intelligent adult, he would just withdraw, abandon, and ignore.
So, this happened exactly the way I thought it would. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop and sure enough, a couple days ago, it did. He returned from his hiking trip in the most negative state about me. He had finally confided in his long-time friend about our relationship and 2 daughters, and his friend was very distrustful and negative about me and my motives. He also forewarned that things would get much worse between us. Unfortunately, Chance is in a very mentally weak and vulnerable state and these words started to marinate rapidly in the back of his mind. He was aggressive towards me on the phone in our conversation that evening numerous times and eventually I’d had enough. The last straw was when he was telling me that India’s school system could learn a thing or two from the USA’s –and I said that was one of the first times I’ve heard him say anything nice about the USA. Chance is typically always talking shit about America, yet he’s living here and got his citizenship. I can’t honestly remember anything good he’s said about the USA until a few nights ago when India could emulate a thing or two from our school system. Anyway, Chance got hysterical when I said this and yelled at me, “You don’t know jack shit about me!” This was the last outburst and dickishness I could take from him during our conversation so I ended the call and hung up. However, we’d agreed not to go to bed pissed at each other because this type of thing is important to me. So I called back and tried to hold him accountable to this. He was tired and pissed even more, gave an apology just to get me off the phone. So we hung up. The next morning he sent an obligatory good morning text. Which is weird since he is supposedly doing it because he wants to. He has no obligation to me. So I reminded him of this in my own way. I sent him this in response to his, “Good morning.”
I haven’t heard back from him since! Ha!
Even better, I have absolutely ZERO urge to chase after him. The old me would have called him up and tried to ameliorate the situation and smooth things over. I would have minimized his part, I would have been overly understanding and offered him excuses for his behavior –you were tired, you’re under a lot of stress, the honesty with your friend was hard on you, etc… but you know what? Not one shit was given that day or the days following. If he wants to pout, sulk, be passive aggressive, give me the silent treatment –you know what I have to say about that? GOOD RIDDANCE!!!! I don’t need his tantrum or to cater to his emotional ups and downs when he does not cater to any of my needs ever!!!! He doesn’t want to talk to me? I’m better off! Genuinely better off. Like, truly happy he’s keeping that bullshit away from me. Tempted to almost write him a Thank You note. ;)
I have a ticket to take the girls to Maryland in the near future and Chance and I had previously planned that he would drive down and take us to Pittsburgh for a week during our upcoming 2 week trip. However, now that he’s not talking to me I’m planning on going to Maryland and staying there the ENTIRE time, unless he calls. I’m not going to chase after him. I’m not going to be pro-active and coordinate the trip. If he wants to see the girls then he needs to call and arrange it. He has my itinerary. He knows where I’ll be. I have ZERO drive to chase after Chance and ensure that he’s ok, and I do everything to repair the relationship while he sits back and throws tantrums, acts like a brat, lashes out at me and is a general dick whenever he wants to be. Fuck that pattern. Besides, I’m still pissed about February. He doesn’t want me to bring it up anymore because he has to apologize every time I bring it up, yet he brings up shit about me from 15 years ago that isn’t even true and uses it against me on a whim to complement whatever negative judgment he has about me. He’s always putting me on the defensive; always being offensive and I don’t need to put up with it anymore.
I’m sick and tired of his negativity. I’m sick and tired of walking on eggshells and after every one of his outbursts where he’s been a dick I’m always the one who calls or texts or emails and resolves it and ameliorates the situation. I’m just done with his bullshit! I’m done with his old outdated obsolete unfair grudges and judgments of me.
Besides, I’m starting to remember, and be reminded, of my worth. I’m getting genuine compliments. Genuine interest. Genuine care. Genuine concern. Genuine friendship. Genuine communication. I’m starting to be chased in that really seductive way of courtship. I deserve to be chased. I WANT to be chased. I NEED to be chased after. AND I LOVE IT.